Through Every Mood

After that first initial meeting and helping session, Aspen was greeted by Gavin on the regular.

It was still strange to Aspen. Gavin's willingness and eagerness to assist and speak to him as though he were the most interesting thing in the world was hard to swallow. He couldnt help but take each dose with a sip of reassurance that this was probably just the other being nice and not anything genuine. That's how it always went, only he had never had such plesantries extended to him for as long as Gavin's had.

Yet, one day, when Gavin invited him to go riding, he said yes.

He had borrowed the stable's grouchy German Riding Pony, Lutz. He wasn't being used and he was pretty short. Aspen didn't want to make a fool of himself by grabbing the biggest horse and trying to get on it only to fail miserably. He was already weird. He didn't need Gavin calling him a loser.

He got Lutz tacked up fairly quickly and they were out on the trails, talking. The vampire's steed was a black Sleinphir. It was like she was straight out of some Viking fairytale and they fit well together. Aspen, however, didn't feel the same about his horse.

"You should go riding more often." Gavin commented, watching Aspen from his higher seat. The vet shrugged his shoulders minutely.

"Yeah, well, I'm not really welcome here. I just do my job and leave."

"Well, did they say you couldn't borrow one of the horses to go riding after you were done?"

"... No."

"Then you should go riding. With me. We can go together."

Aspen had half a mind to ask Gavin why he wanted him to be included in so much but the subject was changed before he could. Gavin suggested a race and Aspen's competitive spirit perked at the idea.

"You're on." he said, giving the pony under him a nudge with his heels...

And soon found himself in the dirt, the wind knocked out of him while his tempermental mount snorted at him as if he were an idiot. The animal promptly trotted off back towards the house, Aspen's face burning with embarassment.

Just once. Just once. That's all he asked for.

Gavin frowned at Lutz as the stallion took his leave, dismounting and offering the vet his hand. He didn't notice the other's stormy expression as he did so, still focused on the idea of a ride.

"Well, I guess he's done. That's okay. You can ride Serina-"

"Leave me alone."

The vampire blinked, confused and slightly upset as Aspen brushed his hand away with a careless slap, standing up and brushing himself off before walking away.

Gavin, however, followed.

"You're not going to let a fall get the best of you, are you?" he asked, frowning when Aspen continued to storm away. He puffed. "Stop throwing a tantrum. What are you, five?"

That response got Aspen to stop, if but for a moment, but soon he kept walking, even faster. "Just leave me alone, you ass. I didn't even want to go riding in the first place!" he snipped, the albino trying to leave and hide.

Just like every other time. All he did was make a fool of himself. He was such a freak. Why did he even keep trying to live?

Aspen kept walking until a pissed off Gavin grabbed his shoulder and made him turn around, positively livid at the name calling.

"I think you're the one who's an ass. It's not my fault your horse bucked you. I was just trying to be nice. But if you can't be the same then fine, go on. I'm not going to waste my time with someone who acts like a child and can't grow up." he growled, Aspen staring at him wide eyed.

The vet gaped for a second, sure Gavin was going to pummel him or something. He supposed he had overstepped a line there. All Gavin had been was nice to him and he had again returned the kindness with harsh words and a cold shoulder.

He waited for the hit to come, Gavin's clenched fist sure to connect with his face t some point, and he closed his eyes to prevent himself from seeing it coming.

But it never did.

Aspen felt Gavin's grip go slack after a moment of tense silence and the vet, so shocked, so incredibly shocked that he didn't have a broken nose at that very moment, could only slump onto the ground and hide his face in his hands.

His shoulder's trembled, both scared and ashamed. He didn't deserve t be on this earth. This man, who was just breathing fire down his neck, had killed him instead with another act of gentleness by not cracking his jaw.

He felt the tears escaping before he could fully comprehend them and he curled in further in on himself, positively sobbing.

Meanwhile, Gavin was terribly perplexed. Aspen had just told him to fuck off more or less and now he was on the ground, trying his hardest to appear small.

What happened?

Before he could register why, he was crouching, offering apologies. "Aspen, I'm sorry... I didn't-" Why am I apologizing? He started it? Wha-? the vampire questioned himself, still trying to get Aspen to respond. When the albino cut him off mid sentence, he was shocked.

"Do you even know how hard it is for me to get out of bed every morning?" Aspen's shaky voice inquired from its protective shell. The vampire blinked, pausing for a second to think and maybe answer but the pale vet didn't let him.

"You think I don't know that everyone already hates me? I hate me." he sniffed, uncurling to wipe at the tears streaming down his face with his sweater sleeve. "I hate everything about me. I'm so disgusted with myself that I don't even know why I try to live anymore... It hurts so much just to look in the mirror and realize that that sorry looking piece of shit staring back at you, is you."

The vet threw his arms about, exasperated as his lip trembled and the tears persisted.  "I don't want to be like this. I don't! I just want to be normal but I fucking can't. I can't! You don't know how much I wish I could just trade myself for something better. But even then I probably wouldn't be good enough..."

He sniffed, looking up at the vampire with his tortured eyes. "...Maybe tomorrow I'll finally do it. I'll fucking do it. I'll just take that razor and sign off. I won't have to live with this... this pain anymore and the world won't have to look at me."

He held the other man's gaze for as long as he could before he had to look away, unable to bear staring at such a face of absolute perfection. He wasn't deserving of it.

The albino was quietly crying now, disgusted with himself and how pathetic he was. He wasn't worth anything. Not even all his dancing medals or his degree were justifiable in his existence. He was a waste of space and a pain to the eye. Why hadn't his parents just dumped him somewhere when he was small? Why hadn't he slit his wrists yet?

Aspen felt his throat tense up, more tears streaming down his cheeks. Gross sobs threatened to spill out from between his pursed lips so he ducked his head lower, wishing Gavin would leave him alone so he could waste away in the forest and finally do the world a favor.

However, Gavin did the exact opposite.

The vampire had had no idea what Aspen's back story was, but he felt like he had committed a crime when Aspen had given it to him, full of self loathing and no belief that he was worth more than the dirt on the bottom of his boots. It made his heart clench in a way it never had before and he didn't think once to question it.

Gavin supposed he should have noticed earlier, in all honesty. Aspen didn't carry himself too confidently. He avoided people and his reputation with the crew told him he was being mean to prevent himself from being hurt. All his sweaters, oversized and baggy, hid him from the rest of the world as much as possible. Those dull red eyes of his always downcast or narrowed in suspicion.

The vet was hurting and no one had noticed until now.

Aspen sniffed, drawn out of his pity party when Gavin enveloped him in a hug. He blinked in surprise, spine doing rigid.

What was he doing? Why was this literal adonis touching someone as low as him?

"W-what are you doing?"

"Hugging you... I guess. This is how you do it right?" came Gavin's reply, tone unsure about the simplicity of the act.

The albino nodded slowly, even more confused. Hugging him? But, why? He was so above him. There was no reason for him to even be near him, let alone comfort him. He opened his mouth to say so, but all at once it was dry and his tongue was too heavy to form words. If he was going to die tomorrow, did he really want to go knowing he had pushed away his first hug that wasn't from his brother? His jaw snapped shut at that and he didn't utter a peep, slowly relaxing under the gentle pressure.

It felt so good... He wished he could've been hugged more often.

Gavin pulled away after a moment and looked at him. "You looked like you needed one." the man offered, Aspen's watery eyes widening at the statement. He got up soon after, brushing himself off.

"Here," Gavin began. "Do you want to freshen up? We can go back to my cabin so no one at the house notices." The vampire completed his offer with an extended hand, waiting patiently for Aspen to accept or decline.

Aspen looked like a deer in headlights, red eyes huge and mouth open. Gavin couldn't believe that someone so lost looking was in so much pain. It wasn't right.

Said vet looked at himself at the question, simultaneously picturing his pale features terribly red and puffy from his crying. Suddenly he felt gross. Yes, he needed a bath, but a quick rinse on the face with cold water would work.

Aspen took Gavin's hand, pulling himself up. He was surprised, yet again, when Gavin tugged him over to a shady spot under a tree. He looked up at the other in question.

"It's a short cut." was the dark haired man's explination. "You might feel cold for a second. It'll be over soon."

Aspen had no time to question what that meant. One second they were on the trail, the next they were inside a  dark cabin. Gavin coughed apologetically, opening the curtains and letting sunlight in. When the light streamed in Aspen discovered it was the man's bedroom and he tilted his head slightly.

"Sorry. It's the only room that gets really dark. Besides the bathroom." Gavin muttered, sheepishly rubbing his neck. He pointed towards the door that lead to the hallway. "The bathroom is right across the hall. I'll go get us something to drink while you clean up."  he directed, hand on Aspen's shoulder. He gave it a gentle nudge before stepping around and exiting, leaving Aspen to his thoughts.

Aspen himself pondered if he should just leave, but he didn't want his appearance to be questioned so he went into the water closet and turned on the tap. He didn't like being pressured and if Gavin would let him take the opportunity to try and look presentable then he would take it.

It wouldn't matter soon anyway.

The vet splashed his face with several handfuls of icy water, bringing his face up afterwards to glare at his reflection. Utter hate bubbled under his skin like a boiling pot when the face stared back and he gripped the edge of the sink.

He should just end it now and stop being a burden.

No one cared.

But, Gavin seemed to, if only in a platonic way. He had given him a hug, Aspen reasoned. That was so much more than anyone else had given him...

He loosened his grip on the edge of the sink, thin eyebrows turning up as he considered his choices. Gavin was so nice. He was like a saint. He wouldn't mind staying alive if it meant he would be treated decently by Gavin. But, his current actions hadn't exactly warranted him any more chances. Yet, Gavin had apologized....

The vet chewed his lip, squeezing his eyes shut.

Ok, he would admit it. He wanted the attention. Gavin's gentle demeanor and kindness were addicting. He didn't want to die so soon after he had just gotten a taste of it... Maybe they could still be friends. Aspen really wanted that.

Still, the pain that plaqued him so wouldn't leave unless he did something that moment and he rummaged through Gavin's medicine cabinet to try and find something to take the edge off. He found a razor and carefully plucked the sharp edge of metal off the shelf.

He'd take a gamble. If today worked out, he'd stay alive. If not...

Aspen winced as the burn of steel cutting through his flesh and disappointment enveloped him.

It hurt, but in a good way. A good way that made his toes curl and his breath come out in a slow, shuddery exhale. It felt pure, like he was shaving off the troubles that haunted him. It helped him cope. He needed to be punished and this was how he did it.

Aspen stood there, blissfully staring at his reflection for a few moments as blood dripped down his arm before he threw the razor away and dabbed at the fluid with a tissue before tossing that too. He flushed the toilet for good measure, hoping it would excuse his lengthy disappearance, and then opened up the bathroom door...

To a rather exasperated looking Gavin.

Stepping back in surprise, Aspen opened his mouth to ask him why he was standing there when Gavin spoke first.

"That was a rather foolish thing to do in a vampire's dwelling." He mused, narrowing his eyes at the vet. He motioned for the other to show him his wrist, having noticed how Aspen had put it behind him when he had opened the door. It was an obvious sign that that's where he had been hurt. He wasn't stupid. As soon as he had smelt the coppery fluid he had practically come running, afraid that Aspen may have taken his statement from earlier and had actually acted on it.

He was glad the other was still standing.

The albino resisted at first, then sighed and handed his arm over, bloody wrist up.

"It'll heal." he said, not concerned. His head was clear now, not as spacey and worried. When he was sad he always tended to think a little strangely. Cutting helped.

He kept his gaze on the floor expecting Gavin to scold him, but instead he snapped his head up when the man began to lave his tongue over the cut.

"What...?" Aspen asked, totally confused and slightly grossed out as Gavin licked at the wound until it healed, leaving a tingly sensation in his wake. When he let go, the albino snatched his arm back and held it to him protectively.

Gavin himself coughed, a little surprised by his own actions. He had never done that to anybody before. Why had he done it to Aspen?

His eyes fell onto the Albino's confused face and he blurted out an answer before he could stop himself. "My saliva has heeling properties. I healed your cut for you..." He cleared his throat, pinking ever so slightly. "I won't leave a scar, but I should have asked. I'm sorry."

Aspen looked at his wrist, flexing it out of fascination. He glanced at the vampire, eyes alight with interest. "It's fine... Thank you."

Gavin blinked, surprised he hadn't been yelled at about being gross. He smiled soon after, gesturing towards the kitchen.

"Shall we?"

The vampire let Aspen go first, sitting at the table with him. The albino sat across from him and all at once Gavin noted that his mood had once again turned dark. Aspen wasn't looking at him and he was just holding himself strangely. It put the vampire on edge and he carefully reached over, putting his hand on top of the vet's much smaller one.

His skin was incredibly smooth, he noted. Aspen jumped at the touch, head snapping up. Gavin didn't remove his appendage.

"I... I know I was a bit rude back there," he began, feeling as though it had been his impatient nature had been what had ruined things that day. "But, I was wondering if you'd still like to be... friends?"

"...Friends?"

"Yes. I... I'm very sorry about hurting you Aspen. I shouldn't have grabbed you and made you upset like that. I understand if you don't want to be companions any longer, but if you do I would very much like it. I like spending time with you."

The vampire gave the vet another smile, Aspen quickly speaking up.

"No, no. I would... I would like that, really." He tucked a strand of hair behind his ear. "I don't have too many friends.. It'd be nice to be able to hang out and do things." he said, honestly wanting to try and have fun with somebody who wasn't going to mock him. It would be so new.

He glanced at Gavin, hoping his response was good enough, and he went wide eyed as Gavin grinned back at him as though he had won the lottery. The vampire's face lit up and at once both of his hand's were over Aspen's, holding them tightly in excitement.

"Same!" the man chirped. "We can do so much together. I haven't had many friends either but I think we'll get along. don't you?"

Aspen blinked, can't believing this was happening to him right now, before he broke into his own grin and nodded, Gavin's enthusiasm addicting.

"I think so."